Something to Consider

Dear Evan Hansen

Recently, I had a date with my 10 year old nephew to go see this movie. He said to me a couple of months ago, “Aunt Kate, I want to see this when it comes out”. So I said, of course, let’s make it a date.

Overall, I found the movie entertaining and hopeful. What a wonderful way to emphasize the importance of mental health issues, especially for teenagers, and to do so in an applicable way that many kids could immediately relate to.

The movie talked about major life themes such as depression, anxiety, suicide, psychotropic medications to manage distress. Throughout the story, the characters spoke fairly openly to each other about their struggles and what they were going through. They shared about their coping techniques and how difficult life felt at times.

I found this to be a fantastic example of how we all need to do more of this: talk about our issues openly. Come together to connect, to minimize the sense of isolation and aloneness.

I also found the soundtrack captivating, Ben Platt has an incredible voice.

Although it was a bit odd to see him sing and act as a “highschool” kid, it came off ok in the movie. He was compelling in the storytelling and musical expression of his struggles. I found him such an incredibly believable character when it came to portraying anxiety- so much so, that I have to wonder if he actually does struggle with it in real life.

What I did find interesting and ultimately a bit disappointing about the movie was the way that the story portrayed the parents’ response to their children around their distress and upset.

Evan Hanson’s mother, when she finds out that Evan broke his arm in a failed suicide attempt, responds to him with something like “it’s going to get better” and emphasized that she was “here for him now”.

I found myself having a reaction to this kind of a response in the story. Telling someone that “it’s going to get better” when they are severely depressed and even suicidal is a very unhelpful response to their distress.

This kind of a response (1) covertly asks the person who is struggling to believe something that does not feel anywhere near real to them, (2) it also requires them to come “up and out” of their real experience further deepening their distress, and (3) communicates to them that the person responding cannot be with them in the place that they are and so if they are going to get any sort of connection, they are going to have to leave themselves and join the other where they are at in reality.

This always aggravates the situation and further compounds how awful the person is already feeling. In a sense, people feel more alone and more disconnected upon hearing something like this.

Although I understand that it was the writer’s attempt to offer support to Evan Hanson and deal with this serious issue, suicide and depression, I felt frustrated because it models a response that is unhelpful at best, and most of the time more damaging.

I wish that the writer would have woven in a response from Evan’s mother such as:

Dear Evan Hanson,

“Oh Evan, I had no idea you were struggling so badly. You’re right. After the divorce, I just left the connection and have not been emotionally present to you or anyone else. I’ve not been in my body much at all. No wonder you’ve felt so alone. I let you down.

You’ve had to negotiate these really painful feelings around the divorce, your grief, your rage, on top of all the developmental tasks that are happening for you. Of course you would have gotten to this point of feeling so awful. I am so sorry. I’ve let you down emotionally and for that I am really sorry. How can I help you now?

Can I be with you in this hard space as you feel your feelings? I’ll work to do the same. In fact, let’s both start our own therapy so that we can both learn how to have our feelings, all of them, so that you don’t ever get to this place of distress.

I’m going to learn how to do that too, for myself, and also so that I can be the emotional mother that you need as you continue to navigate this world.”

Your Mother

Or something like this.

You know what makes people feel the most alone?

To be in a room full of people and not be able to each other’s heart.

What Evan Hanson needed most in terms of a response, was someone who would be courageous enough to feel their vulnerability and share their heart with him for his feelings.

We all need this.

As a mental health professional, I wish that the writer’s would have written in a more heartfelt, vulnerable and conscious kind of response from Evan’s mother.

If you want different outcomes for mental health, then you need different responses. All growth is going to happen at the end of your comfort zone.

Having said that, I do appreciate the story’s attempt at addressing some really difficult mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and suicide. It’s a start.