I’m Not Angry, I’m Just Frustrated

A few weeks ago, I had surgery on my right hand for carpal tunnel syndrome. For those of you who are not familiar with this injury, it’s often a result of overuse in the wrist.

When I was first diagnosed with it several months ago, I was a bit surprised as I have never had a job where I type all day, you know, the standard impression of how people get carpal tunnel syndrome.

It really got me thinking about why this happened, how I got diagnosed with this condition. And got me thinking about my experiences and what might have played a role in this showing up now in my life.

I’ve been an athlete and competed at high levels in multiple sports. Having been active most of my whole life, I could see how somewhere along the lines there might have been some overuse of my hands.

I also did start playing the piano when I was six years old and I’m quite a bit older now and still play, so maybe that contributed to it as well.

I also used to be an avid road cyclist, riding 50, 60, 70 miles on my bike at a time, back in the height of my riding days. When I considered the position my wrists are in when I’m riding on my bike, I started to see how this might have also contributed to this showing up now in my life.

Still, something felt off.

I did more research on this syndrome and found out that sometimes this condition is influenced by genetics and people inherit a smaller carpal tunnel.

I thought, ok…maybe all these things combined could account for this condition in my wrist.

And yet, something still felt a bit off about it.

So, I decided to begin to explore what the metaphysical world and alternative healers had to say about the energetic roots and possible connections between a carpal tunnel syndrome and one’s emotional experiences.

Here’s what I found:

Uh…um….hm…..

So, it got me thinking about the emotion of anger and my relationship with this feeling in my own life.

Suddenly carpal tunnel syndrome began to make more sense.

So much so in fact, that I immediately got an image of the child inside of me and how she had to learn to relate to her anger as a child, how it wasn’t acceptable to feel this feeling and stay connected to it.

The image felt like a clenched fist.

This is what I saw immediately in my imagery, a child who was so angry she had to clench her fists in order to not explode and then get into trouble.

And yea, that sounds about right.

Anger was just not ok to have, know about, feel, or express.

Which is too bad because it’s one of the most important and valuable emotions we can feel.

Although I have more support now to feel my anger in a simpler and more grounded kind of way, it’s still something I work on every day in my process, at deeper and deeper levels.

Talking about anger is vastly different than being able to feel your anger in your body, as an alive and energetic experience.

I’m not referring to the energy of violence, which is what most people refer to when they say anger. I mean, true, empowering, grounded, motivational and centering anger.

You know, the raw material for our personal power.

The kind of feeling that motivates us to change the world in better ways.

THE feeling connected to our ability to say “no”, to have a boundary, to build a sense of self…?

Yea, that kind of anger. That’s the feeling I’m talking about.

So, yea, I guess, spending part of my lifetime walking around with energetically clenched fists in order to cut off my anger so that I don’t get in trouble, yea, that will eventually show up in a physical way.

That’s how this works folks.

What we get support to feel what we’re feeling, it doesn’t get stuck in our bodies. What we do NOT get support to feel does get blocked somewhere in our physical structures.

The body does keep the score.

What’s great about this though is that our bodies can guide us back to the very places inside of us that are unfinished and in need of deep healing.

So, naturally, I reached out to my support system and gave them a heads up that I might need some extra support now that the surgeon has literally gone in and altered the physical structure that I created over time (unconsciously) in order to cut off and not feel my anger.

Cause, I just might start feeling more anger, now that the gates are open and anger is free to flow through my body.

Truthfully, I feel excited actually about this opportunity to begin to get to know my anger and welcome it in a more compassionate kind of way. I believe that all of this had had to happen in the exact way that it has unfolded in order for me to get to this place, at this time, in my healing process.

I am grateful to my body for the exact adaptation it made physically to do whatever I needed to do to survive emotionally in an environment in which my anger would have gotten me hurt.

I’m also grateful to all my healers, on all the different levels of being and healing, who are helping me finally unclench my fists.

Regardless of how you live your connection to your anger, my wish for you is that you find more of whatever kind of support you need in order to feel satisfied and supported this Holiday season.

XO, Kate